Where are you going?

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I’ve been traveling by train a lot lately and when I was at the station last I took this picture of the tracks and it got me to thinking about my life, my path in life and my future.

When I was a little girl I lived in blissful ignorance of the future. I only had to think about what clothes I was going to wear today, which Barbie to play with and whether or not I would ride my bike or go rollerskating. I never worried about the future or wondered where I would be in 5 years. Today was today and that was enough for me.

40 some odd years later as I look back at my life there is no way I could have foreseen the twists and turns in the tracks of my life that made me the person I am. I never would have imagined that I’d be married at 17, that I would see my favorite person die, that I would have two awesome kids, that I would become a yoga instructor (interior designer was on my list) and that I would have the opportunity to travel to Tulum Mexico, Croatia, Costa Rica and Belize!

The interesting thing is that I was on a path. I had a plan! I was a work at home mom, wife, PTA member, Martha Stewart wanna be, rule-maker, discipline giver who was going to raise perfect children who never made mistakes. I was going to stay inside the box and be perfectly happy with a spotless home ad infinitum.  The problem was that all of those things did not make me happy.

In the search for happiness I chose to change to my life and made a literal and purposeful JUMP OFF OF THE TRACKS I was on. It was difficult and sometimes I’m still startled by the changes I have wrought. I started by taking  care of myself and doing things I wanted to do – finally! I started doing mud runs, traveling and indoor skydiving!  Two weeks ago I got my first tattoo!

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So now I am off the tracks but WHERE THE Hell AM I GOING? The answer is I have no clue and that’s ok. I can’t see down my new path to where the twists and turns will take me. I only know what I’d like to do and I can move in that direction but nothing is promised. Something might happen tomorrow to change my direction again.

So for now,  I am living one day at a time and I only think about what clothes I will wear today, where I will be teaching yoga and whether I can go out and ride my bike or go rollerskating.

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Stepping Back to Step Forward

Missed Congeniality

I took my first yoga class yesterday, and one of the first things I learned is: Planking is harder than it looks. Well, technically, that’s the second thing I learned. The REAL first thing I learned is that any residual gas bubbles in your body will scream towards the nearest orifice in a thundering exit with the first genuine bend or stretch.
Thank heavens it was a small class in a large, well-ventilated venue.

My purpose for taking yoga is multidimensional, mainly to make my daily wearing of yoga pants at least appear legitimate…but more importantly, as I near the half-century age mark, I detest what age, and that bastard gravity, have been doing to my body when I wasn’t paying attention. F*ckers.

And then Dawn came breaking. Dawn, the yoga instructor, helped me to break free from my comfort zone and get an entertainingly excruciating extension out of my…

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Balance – It’s not just about Tree!

 

 

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I’ve been having a really hard time with balance lately and I’m not talking about tree pose or the nifty slack line knee balance shown above. I’ve been having a hard time with balancing my life!

For the last few months I have had this overwhelming urge (read hot burning desire) to make a bigger income. I have looked for work at every yoga studio, gym, retirement home, apartment complex, fire station and cross fit within a 30 mile radius from where I live. And all I keep hearing is “No or No thanks.”

It is extremely frustrating to be a new-in-town yoga teacher. The studios want me to join and start taking classes (read pay them money) before they will even entertain the idea of letting me sub for a teacher. The gyms only use the Les Mills approved curriculum of Zumba and Body Pump etc. I’ve had some success with the retirement homes (yay!) and even teach one Cross Fit Recovery class.  But overall I’m still poor. I made a total of about $160 for January. (This is an estimate as I’m still waiting on one paycheck)

I mean don’t get me wrong. I live with my boyfriend and he is awesome. He takes care of the mortgage and all the bills but I WANT TO BE ABLE TO SUPPORT MYSELF!

Then came the big question….”Do I need to give up my dream of teaching yoga and just go get a (real) job?” This question hung in the air above my head like a visible thought balloon for about a week as I seriously contemplated the possibilities. Luckily I have very reasonable and sane friends who reminded me that having a (real) job didn’t necessarily mean I had to give up teaching yoga.

AHA! Balance – I need to find balance. I can work and teach yoga too right? Yes, that’s right. I can and will…….as soon as someone gives me a job! Until then I am working (and I mean really working damn it) on not being upset that I’m not making more money, that I have very few students and that I haven’t heard a yes back from Starbucks or REI or any of the other places I’ve applied for a (real) job.

This life isn’t always easy. But I’m glad I have it. I’m glad I got to wake up this morning and breathe all day. I’m glad I have good friends who remind me not to panic, good friends who tell me the truth when I’m losing my mind and smart friends who remind me to try to find some balance! Thanks Guys! Love Y’all!