A few weeks ago my guy and I were paddling around the harbor in Ventura, California and I saw this boat. Isn’t it great?
The name put a little catch in my heart because It immediately reminded me of my Ex Husband. He told me during our divorce that he felt I would never be satisfied. He pointed out that I was always changing the furniture, repainting the walls, replanting the flower beds and even wanted to build an addition onto our house. He said he felt like he would never be able to make me happy because no matter what he did I always wanted more. Maybe he was right.
What looked like “Never Satisfied” to him was my attempt to make everything look perfect on the outside when everything was falling apart on the inside. I didn’t want people to see how unhappy I was in my marriage. I didn’t want anyone to know how much I struggled as a mom. And there was no way I could admit that I was lonely. From the outside I had it all – a husband who worked to support me, two kids, a dog, a white picket fence – the whole nine yards. So I put on a mask and pretended to be happy.
And then everything started to fall apart. I put on a ton of weight. I fell into a howlingly bad depression, cried every day and said often that I didn’t want to breathe anymore. My kids suffered and my friends didn’t know how to help. My EX (bless his heart) did everything he could to help me make it through the worst days including working from home while I lay on the floor by his feet crying. It was bad folks. I didn’t know how I was going to make it up off that floor – EVER.
I had stuff to figure out – BIG STUFF. And that stuff was deep. Why do I feel so alone? Why can’t I fix my marriage? Why can’t I be happy? Do I still want to be married? How do I do unmarried – because I’ve never done that before? What about the kids? My whole identity was at stake. It was quite literally a rebirthing. And it was painful!
But I needed those days of fierce pain and loneliness so that I could find myself and so that I could figure out who I was going to be. I had to slog through all the hurt and frustration to figure out that I had the power and strength to change my life. I could be my own unique self and I could survive and find happiness on my own! But BOY was it scary!
That was four years ago and some days are still scary. I’m still figuring things out, learning and growing. And you know what, he was right. I am Never Satisfied. I can’t be satisfied with less than. I will only accept the love I deserve. I will never be Satisfied leaving things half done or half said. I will keep pushing the limits until I am who I want to be, until my children know exactly how much I love them and hopefully the world becomes a little bit better. I am a warrior for love. I am a truth teller, sword wielding hero of my own life. A woman in a constant state of learning who still has a lot to accomplish!
Funny how two little words on the side of a boat can get you thinking….huh?
How about you? Are you Never Satisfied?