What I want vs. What I need

I want a McDonald’s Filet O Fish……. I need to eat healthier.

I want to sit around all day in my pajamas…….  I need to move every day.

I want to be rich and famous………  I need  to have just enough.

I want to have someone take care of me…..I need to be able to take care of myself.

I want to have someone to talk to…….. I need to be my own best friend.

I want it NOW….. I need to be patient.

I want people to like me…… I need to like myself.

I want sunshine………..I need warmth.

I want him………..I need him.

The Lost Art of Conversation

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When is the last time you had an honest to goodness conversation with someone? When was the last time you met someone new? ………I’ll give you a minute to think………Has it been a while? I feel like people have forgotten how to actually have a conversation.

I’ve been noticing how everyone seems to be hooked up to technology all the time!  I have seen couples out at dinner and they are both scrolling through their facebook feed instead of talking to each other (ok I’ve actually done this lately. Sorry honey) I’ve seen kids crossing the street staring at their phone or ipod instead of looking for cars.

This post proves that I am officially getting old! “That gal darned technology!” Said in my best grandmotherly voice, standing hunched over and shaking my fist in the air!

When my grandfather was alive I saw the master of conversation at work. He could walk up to anyone and get them started talking very easily. He asked questions, showed interest, smiled,  listened and then somehow found a way to encourage the person. There are not many people like him but I want to be one of the few.

I know sitting next to someone on an airplane is usually not a good time to start a conversation. Many people just want to be left alone. This morning as I was flying back from Georgia I sat between two perfectly nice people – both were using computers and had ipods plugged into their ears (the international “do not bother me” symbol) and intermittently also used their cell phones or ipads. I’ve never seen the use of so much technology all at one time! I felt so out of the loop – so disconnected technologically and socially.

I wanted to ask each of them if they were flying home? Or where they had been visiting. I didn’t want to engage them in 5 hours worth of boredom but a little chit chat would have been nice. Don’t people talk anymore?

Finally about 4 hours into our flight I saw my chance. I had to ask the woman to my left to excuse me so I could use the bathroom, when I came back I jumped in before she could replug herself back in. I asked her if she was flying home? Success! We had a nice little conversation for just a few minutes – you know the drill: job? kids? Where do you live? How long will you be visiting? It was nice.

I don’t know if she felt put upon or irritated but she was polite. Then I realized afterwards that she didn’t ask me anything….I only asked questions and she answered.  I guess I was just bothering her.  I’m just some weirdo on a plane. I like to talk to people. I like to find out what their life is like. I like to be friendly and have a conversation.

Are there others out there like me? If anyone is interested in having a conversation, you know where to find me!

 

 

On Not Fitting In

I feel I must warn you…..this post contains a fair amount of whining and complaining because that is where I’m at right now. But there is a happy ending. 🙂

I’ve been having a really hard time lately. I just recently moved to a new town leaving everything behind. My kids stayed with my ex. I left my house, my studio, my students, my friends…..It was a very tough decision…..So here I am in a new town, in a new house, with a new life.

The hard part is that I have no friends here (except my boyfriend) and no job. As a yoga teacher I’m really mourning the loss of my studio and students. I miss teaching….ok and I miss the income too. I’ve been trying, REALLY I have. I’ve been going around and looking for work, giving out business cards, trying to tell people how truly awesome, reliable and dependable I am….all to no avail.

I’ve even been taking some yoga classes only to keep having the same feeling over and over, ‘I just don’t fit in!” I like to play rock and roll during Yoga – something to make my body really move! I like to laugh and play during class, I like to get feedback from my students, tease each other. I don’t usually chant or Ohm – I guess I haven’t ingested the yoga koolaid….Hence the “not fitting in”.

When I practice I want to sweat, I want to work hard, I want to feel like I’ve kicked my students butt and they love me for it and that they want to come back for more!

So in my lonliness tonight I decided to try out a class at the YMCA. This is where I met Kristin. She was our teacher tonight. Young, bright, happy and ready to lead. Her class was strong and challenging and I found myself having a hard time keeping up – maybe a by-product of the fact that I’ve been avoiding my mat for a while.

Kristin was so positive. Her Dharma talk tonight was about “loving yourself where you’re at.” As a yoga teacher I’ve said this many times to students but tonight I was the student. I needed to hear what she said. I need to love myself even though I am feeling a lot of negative emotions. I need to be gentle with myself and give myself time to fit in to the new schedule, new routine. And I need to remember to breathe.

The best part was that when i told her I had been looking for work she encouraged me to send her my resume……a job, a job a job?

Just when I’m feeling about as low as I can get and I’m feeling like I’ll never fit in, I’ll never find my place here, the universe brings me just what I need, a positive message, a great yoga class, a hug, maybe even a friend and a job. So things are looking up. I’m not as low tonight as I was yesterday.

There is possibility out there. Wait for it, be patient. it will come when the time is right. It’s hard to wait….believe me….I KNOW how hard it is. It’s ok to feel lost and alone and like you don’t fit it. You WILL find your place. The Universe’s answer is always YES!

Croatian Journey

Here I sit on my couch….having just arrived back in the United States after a whirlwind trip of sailing and sightseeing in Croatia!  I can hardly believe that the trip is over and I am back home again. We have been planning and saving and preparing for this journey for a long time and now it is over – It has slipped into the past already.

The trip was wonderful! We sailed the Dalmatian Coast of Croatia visiting small towns with interesting names like Vis, Stari Grad and Komiza. We walked narrow streets whose cobbles had been worn smooth over the centuries and tasted seafood fresh from the Adriatic Sea.  We visited churches and fruit markets, sailed over the inky purple/blue ocean and learned how to moor our boat backwards!

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Most of the towns we visited seemed mostly empty of people – except for the tourists. These tiny fishing villages have been abandoned by the young people in the country. They moved in to the bigger cities on the mainland (or to the U.S.) leaving behind their parents and grandparents who know that there is nothing better than being able to walk to the bakery in the morning to buy a loaf of bread. That sipping espresso leisurely while watching the tourists pass by is a treat. That life is better slower and calmer.

The history of these places is amazing. You can see the worn and weathered paint on the doors, rub your hands against the stone walls that make up the majority of their homes, feel the smooth cobbles underfoot.

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History is ever present here. You can’t escape it. You see it and feel it every where you go.  The people there are living in homes that were built in the 16th and 17th centuries.  They have been passed down through the families to the present time. Past and Present so close – touching even. It feels strange to walk the streets of a place that is so old. I could imaging the people living here centuries ago, how simple their lives were. I felt almost as if I were trespassing.

Here is a photo I took standing up above one of the towns:

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See the white house with the red roof on the left? Its a little hard to tell in this photo but this new house is attached to an ancient one. They share a supporting wall. The one on the right is gray, has a slate roof and is crumbling down slowly but surely….the present rubbing up against the past. Who lived in that older home? Where are they now?

In Vienna, a town that is equally historic…..we walked down a crowded outdoor thoroughfare with any type of shopping you could possibly want. One block over sits St. Stephens Cathedral with it’s monumental columns and stained glass windows, cherubs carved from stone and marble floors. Again, the past right next door to the present.

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I don’t know……maybe this is something you are all aware of……maybe it’s something you’ve thought about before. We have historic buildings here in America but nothing as old as the places I saw this past week. Maybe it’s just my Jet Lag but I think it’s cool. History is right next door. We are leaning up against it or it’s just a block over. Can you feel it?

I know that my history includes ancestors leaving Europe to come to America, Mennonites on the Oregon Trail, generations of Boeing employees and Mormon families from Spanish Fork Utah. I am where I am because of all the people who have loved and supported me. I can only move one way on this time continuum and that is forward……so forward I go but my past, my history is supporting me all the way and I am grateful for it. Now for some more sleep to fix this jet lag.

Night Ya’ll